As any good old American knows, in this here country of ours we have certain inalienable rights. No one knows what inalienable actually means, but we sure do cherish those rights of ours. We got the Bill Of Rights, The Right to Life, a Jeep Liberty, and the Trivial Pursuit of Happiness (or something like that), the right to make a right on red, the right that two wrongs don’t make, and all kinds of other good stuff.

But perhaps the most abused and often misunderstood right is The Right To Be An A-Hole. And damn it, no one can ever take that right away!

I was reminded of this special privilege after attending a concert last night. It was truly amazing how many people just seemed so intent on making other people around them miserable. But maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt and just hope that no one ever sat down and explained to them that there are laws and there are rules – and you need to know both. The difference is that breaking a law (robbing a bank with a water pistol, for example) can land you in the clink, while breaking a societal rule (cutting in front of others in line and the like) just makes you one who is exercising the aforementioned right that began this blog.

So as a service to society, I am proud to present part one in The Right To Be An A-Hole series:

The Rules Of Concert Etiquette.

Now these rules are different than things that just make you look like a moron but don’t really hurt anyone else. For example, everyone who’s anyone knows that you don’t wear a t-shirt to a concert that includes the name of the band that is performing. After all, if you weren’t a fan of that band, you wouldn’t be there in the first place! This is called a “T-Shirt Violation” and is a total sin and sign of ignorance amongst concert insiders. (By the way, as was the case last night, this includes things such as wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt to a Robert Plant/Alison Krauss show. To make matters worse, a shirt that looks brand new but says “Led Zeppelin World Tour 1972” on it is wrong in so many ways that it barely warrants a mention. But back to the topic at hand...)

Things like t-shirt violations, while good for a few laughs from the true aficionados, aren’t really breaking etiquette rules because they don’t bother anyone else. So without any further delay (as if that’s possible) let’s get back to-

The Rules Of Concert Etiquette

Rule # 1: Know When To Stand And When To Sit

At certain shows, maybe like AC/DC or a show at a small venue with no seats, it is totally acceptable to stand for the entire show. But at less raucous type events, other than standing as part of an ovation or maybe during an encore, it is usually best to sit. As a rule of thumb, if everyone around you is sitting and you are standing – you are bothering them!

Last night there was this big sweaty dude right in front of the stage who was standing during the entire show, and not even multiple yells of “Down in front!” or the pleading of an usher would get him to sit down. To make matters worse (much worse) he was doing this crazy kind of dance the whole time, even during the very slow songs, that resembled a grand mal epileptic seizure. I didn’t know if I should have called over security or a doctor! Unfortunately, this one jerk thought it was his private show and ruined it for many others.

Rule # 2: Don’t Try To Join The Band From Your Seat

Yes – I’m sure that you have an amazing singing voice and know every word to the songs of your favorite artist, but please save it for the car, shower, or your nearby karaoke bar. Unless the performing artist is encouraging a sing-a-long, keep your mouth shut.

Many years ago, when I was younger and braver (or stupider, as the case probably was) I was at a Jackson Browne show and the guy next to me was singing along so loudly I could barely hear good old J.B. So I turned to him and said,

“Hey dude – I can hear you sing any night of the week, but Jackson Browne is only in town for one night.”

Fortunately he took the hint and stopped singing instead of punching my lights out.

The same rule goes for doing anything else that makes it seem as if you are in the band. This chick who sat next to me last night was clapping along to every song so loudly I swear she had microphones installed in her hands and was wired through the house sound system. It would have been no less annoying if I had brought my Fender Telecaster and a portable amplifier to the show and played along.

Rule # 3: Sit In Your Own Seat

The tickets have designated sections, rows and seat numbers. If you couldn’t get to the internet on time or were too cheap to call your local scalper….ummmm…. I mean ticket broker, then just sit in your crappy nosebleeds and make the best of it. Don’t sit in someone else’s seat and then act surprised when they show up. It’s just annoying.

Rule # 4: Shut The Hell Up!!

You wouldn’t go to a play or a movie and sit there not paying attention and yapping to your friends all night. Well, just because a concert is loud, talking during the show still annoys people. And that counts for the opening act as well. Show the artist some respect! If you don’t care about the opening act and want to talk, stay in the parking lot or go out to the foyer. There are some people in there called music fans who enjoy hearing an act they may not be familiar with. And don’t forget – whoever your favorite band or artist is, they were once an opener. After all, Jimi Hendrix once opened for The Monkees, Bruce Springsteen once opened for Chicago, The Who once opened for Herman’s Hermits, and Wilco once opened for Bedtime For Jack. (Well, maybe the last one was my fantasy, but the others are true.) You never know what great band of the future you may be seeing.

Rule # 5: Keep Your Intoxication Level To A Minimum

Sure – some people like to have a drink or two before a show. But if you show up drunk off your ass, not only will you not remember the show, you will make a fool of yourself and annoy everyone around you.

Rule # 6: - Stay In Your Seat!

Why is it that Americans cannot go for more than 45 minutes without having something to eat or drink? When you decide you just can’t live without that hot dog and Coke for another second and have to make an entire row stand up to let you out, you may be interrupting someone else’s favorite song. And if you’re going out for that fourth beer, just pee while you’re out of the venue instead of coming back in and then leaving again twenty minutes later.

Rule # 7: - Don’t Yell Out Requests

Unless it’s a small bar gig or a solo acoustic performance (and it’s somewhat obnoxious then as well) these highly trained professional musicians that you have paid a small fortune to see have their show planned out. They have sound cues, lighting cues, guitar techs, crew members, and many other things going on that follow that list. And I got news for you – Bono ain’t gonna drop everything they are doing and play “Sunday Bloody Sunday” at the wrong time just because some moron is screaming it out.

Rule # 8: - Don’t Pretend You Have ESP

Look – everyone knows that these days you can go on the internet and get setlists from previous shows on the tour. But there may be people there who don’t want to know ahead of time what songs will be played and in what order. So when you very loudly proclaim “They’re gonna play Wonderwall and then Champagne Supernova and then come back for an encore” it doesn’t make you appear any smarter and you may have just ruined a great surprise for someone. You wouldn’t sit through a showing of The Crying Game yelling “She’s got a penis!!” so don’t do it at a concert either.

Rule # 9 – “Cousin Neal’s Rule”

Getting a bunch of friends together to see a show is usually a great experience, but for the person who has (or was) volunteered to secure the tickets, it can be a pain in the ass. So – if someone else got the tickets, please please please don’t complain about anything, including the exorbitant cost of the concert, crappy location of the seats, quality of the show, the fact that Ian Anderson's voice has gone considerably downhill, or anything else for that matter. Just thank them for doing the dirty job that no one wanted. Oh – and if you owe them money for the tickets, pay up before the show starts – in cash.

Rule # 10 – Reach A Reasonable Level Of Hygiene Before Entering The Venue

Listen up Flower Child. The 60’s are over, and these days it is the societal norm to shower daily and use deodorant. And believe me honey – that patchouli ain’t doing a thing to mask the foul odor coming from those unsightly unshaven armpits. It is tough for others to enjoy the concert if they are scowling the whole time due to someone's severe case of bromodrosis.

Rule # 11 – The Golden Rule Of Concert Going

Concerts are a great place to cut loose, get into some fine live music and have a good time. After all, it’s only rock and roll. But if your having a good time interferes with someone else’s right to enjoy the show, you’ve gone too far. So sit down, shut up and oh-oh-oh---listen to the music. That’s what it’s all about.

Stay tuned for part two of this informative series. See you then.

Rich