Ever since The Brady Bunch did it in the late '60s, I've always wanted to take the famous mule ride down into the Grand Canyon. After traveling much of the world but never crossing this one off my list, I finally got the chance to do it last week with my kids. It was truly an amazing experience, but if you are planning on doing so one day (and you absolutely should), I gotta give you a few warnings.

First, there is something you need to know. Since the Grand Canyon is one of the most visited attractions in the world, I'm sure that many of you have been there. But if you merely went to every overlook and peered down, no matter how spectacular the views (and they are certainly real and spectacular) you haven't really seen the canyon.

Now many would say that the best way to experience this wonder of the world is to take the two day or longer hike all the way down the Colorado River and back, and they are probably right. But just as I call a plumber when my toilet is leaking and visit a mechanic when the "check engine" light goes on in my car, I figured hey - why not leave it to the professionals? In this case that meant those famous Grand Canyon mules who have been doing this for over 100 years. (By the looks of them I think there are still a few originals in the bunch.) That's right - why trust your own two feet when you can put your life in the hands (or actually feet) of a 1300 pound animal who had a jackass as a father and posseses the IQ of a cauliflower stalk?

If you've done this, you will probably know that what others have said is true - it's the experience of a lifetime - one reason being that once you do it you will never do it again! But please do it - and make your reservations now. The groups are tiny and they book up nine months to a year in advance.

And although before mounting these massive creatures they give you an hour long safety briefing which will most likely scare the shit out of you (along with having you sign a waiver where almost every other word is "death,") there are a few things they don't bother telling you. Since there is no turning back, you won't learn these things until it is too late, so as a public service announcement I'd like to let you know a few things about this crazy adventure.

- While the mules can stop and pee anytime they like, which resembles a five minute yellow thunderstorm, they encourage the riders to drink water all day long but only give you two bathroom breaks in eight hours. There is just nothing like bouncing up and down on a mule for a few miles while your bladder is about to burst.

- Speaking of body functions, some of the mules must get beans and cabbage for breakfast because a select few are constantly farting, quite noisily and odiferous. This may explain why mules don't reproduce. Oh, and by the way, the most offensive mule will have his ass directly in front of you.

- When the mule starts goofing off, which is often, they all of a sudden look up and realize it is time to catch the herd, which results in a full out gallop (which is extra fun on a full bladder). They usually choose to do this on the part of the trail with the most hairpin turns and deadly cliff-dropping views.

- The top few miles of the trail (at least until the spring melt) are covered in ice. Hikers are required to wear crampons (sharp metal spikes on their shoes) but apparantly that rule does not apply to the mules. There is nothing quite like seeing the mule in front of you slip and slide a few feet with two of their four hooves dangling over the edge of a cliff and knowing your mule is about to do the same.

- No matter how wide the trail, mules love to walk on the outer millimeter. Since their bodies are so wide, this places you midair looking straight down into the world's depeest canyon. One slip and you will turn into a bowl full of scenery.

- There are muscles in your body of which you are not aware. You will be after this trip.

- If you are the final mule in the pack (which should be blatantly obvious to anyone hiking the trail) fifty percent of the hikers will be asking you "Are you the last one?" It's good to have some ready-made answers. Here are a few of my favorites.

"No - the imaginary mule behind me is."

"Depends on which direction you are hiking."

Point to the person in front of you and say, "No - he is."

"Last? I prefer to be called Anchor Mule."

"Yes. Will you vote for me?"

"Shhh....you're getting Pancho upset."

- When a wrangler stops for a few minutes to rest the mules, the beasts will insist on standing with their front feet on the very edge of the trail facing forward into what appears to be a solid five mile drop straight down. So if there happens to be a twig, bush, dead hiker, or anything else in front of you which resembles mule food, they will lean forward and lower their stupid mule heads, giving you a straight down in-the-air overlook of the canyon - a viewpoint which no human being was really meant to see.

- Even though they say you can't bring anything, take along a small container of Purell. After having your hands on a mule all morning and using a toilet that is not much more than a big can in the ground, you'll be the hero of your group when lunch is passed around. Speaking of lunch, never read the ingredients on a beef jerky label. It ain't called jerky for nothing.

In any case, despite the smelly slipping mules and death defying views, it really was a fantastic experience. And if you are taller than 4'7" and weigh less than 200 pounds fully clothed (and they do weigh you) - then don't let anything stop you! Round up some family or friends and explore one of the seven natural wonders of the world on the back of a mule. It will truly be an experience you will never forget, or at least until the dementia kicks in.

Or if not this, do something else you have always wanted to do. You never know when your last chance will be. And feel free to drop me a line at rich@madow.com to tell me what you crossed of your list.

Rich

Oh - by the way, my new book, Is Your Frog Boiling? has been getting more positive feedback than ever! To take the "Froggy Quiz" to find out if your own frog is boiling, see the symptoms of Boiling Frog Syndrome, or check out my latest book tour schedule, please visit www.isyourfrogboiling.com.

posted by Rich  # 1:44 PM