The conversations you are about to read actually took place. The names have not been changed because I can’t remember them.

June, 1998 - a Subway Sandwich Shop in Cocoa, Florida, with a hungry cranky eight year old in the back seat of a hot rental car:

Me: “I would like two tuna subs, a turkey sub, and a bologna sub.”

(It always bothered me that baloney is actually spelled “bologna.” Who the hell decided that? The same person that decided the word “lisp” should have an “s” in it? You cruel person!)

Moron behind the counter at Subway: “Well, I can get the first three subs for you, but we don’t have bologna subs. Would you like a cold cut combo?”

Me: “What is in your fabulous cold cut combo?”

Moron behind the counter at Subway: “The cold cut combo is a delicious blend of sliced turkey, bologna and ham, served on your choice of our fresh baked breads with all of the great toppings you would like.”

(Actually, he didn’t say that because he was not capable of putting a lucid sentence together or making anything sound remotely appetizing. He actually mumbled “turkey, bologna and ham” while refusing to make eye contact.)

Me: “Well, my son, who is in the car, very tired, hot and cranky, really wants a bologna sub.”

MBTCAS: “Sorry, we don’t have bologna subs.”

Me: "Do you have sub rolls?"

MBTCAS: "Yes."

Me: "Do you have bologna?"

MBTCAS: "Uhh... yeah."

Me (getting really irritated): “ Then can you just put some bologna on a sub roll and I won’t tell anyone?”

MBTCAS: “Well, I can’t do that because I wouldn’t know what to charge you.”

Me (blood pressure 180 / 124): “Just charge for a ham sub, and let’s call it a day.”

Needless to say I didn’t tell him what I was really thinking for fear that he would spit in our subs or worse (no mayo please) – and eventually he relented and made a bologna sub for us. This is an example of incredibly poor customer service. Granted, I don’t know the restaurant business, but it seems that if you have something in there that a customer wants, there shouldn’t be much of a barrier in giving it to them. And is Subway really a restaurant anyway?

Fast forward to Monday September 4, 2006 - Too Jay’s Deli in Boca Raton, Florida. I know, I know, I’m way too young to be going there. Let’s just say my kids and I brought the average age down to slightly below dead. But hey – it’s a great place for breakfast. Problem was, it was 11:09 AM.

Me: “I’ll have two scrambled eggs, wheat toast, hash browns, and coffee.”

(That’s a nicely balanced breakfast if I’ve ever heard one.)

Waitress: “Sorry – it’s after 11:00. We’re not serving breakfast anymore.”

Me: “Oh. But you have all the ingredients in the kitchen that I would like?”

Waitress: “Yes we do.”

Me: “And I’m assuming that they have not been put away in some remote location…”

Waitress: “No they haven’t.”

Me: “Then can’t you just have the chef whip it up for me?”

(I really thought she was gonna come up with some lame excuse like “Well, if I do it for you then everyone else will see and all hell will break loose." But no – this was her reply, which actually made sense for a second.)

Waitress: “Well, we’re now serving lunch, and can’t make any breakfast foods because we need the grill space for the lunch foods.”

Me: “Okay, in that case I’ll take two tuna melts on rye bread with provolone cheese, tomatoes, and a plain hamburger on the side.”

Waitress: “Okay – you got it. That sure is a lot of food.”

Me: “Actually, I don’t want that at all. But with the grill space you were gonna use for all of that stuff, can you please just make a couple scrambled eggs?”

Waitress: “Sorry – we can’t do that. But omelets are on the lunch menu. Would you like one scrambled style?”

Sometimes all you can do is shake your head and smile!